Page 6
Miles Sphinctersnap
and the Applesauce Fart
By: G Wayne
Copyright © 9/7/11
A person who wanted to destroy Yahweh Banker and his cult, that's who. Everyone glowered at Harvey Sequet.

Sequet craned his head back and shouted, "Hey, you're not going to pin this crap on me. I'm the victim here."

"Are you sure, Harvey," asked Goldie, holding up Sequet's head by his hair. "Didn't you try to setup me and Sphinctersnap with the fart story? Now you're the one who smells like the stinky sauce."

"Well, you got me except for one thing. I'm not the one who put the poop in the pippins."

Things was gettin' out of control. If Sequet didn't sully the sauce, then whose the wise guy?

Banker threw his sandwich at me and made it for the door. I started after him, but he slipped on a wad of lama spit and his legs, still running, shot into the air. When he hit the floor, an envelope fell from his skives. I snatched it up. The envelope held an eviction notice.

"Looks like you've fallen on hard times," I said. "You shit in your own sauce, didn't ya?"

"If I can't have this place, no one can," he shot back.

"See, I'm not involved in this," said Sequet. "You know that the one that smelt it, dealt it, Mr. Sphinctersnap."

"You aren't out of the woods, yet," said Goldie as she smacked Sequet across the kisser.

When the cops showed up, they arrested Banker for shooting the lama and making a mess.

Just before the cops grabbed Sequet he whistled two loud blasts. A whole new bunch a guys wearing camouflage colored robes and caring assault weapons filed in through every door and the guns they was holdin' looked plenty full of bullets. The cops, realizing they were outnumbered ten to one, (it was really getting crowded in there) lowered their guns to the floor. They smiled apologetically and said things like, "Hey, take it easy, guys, we're just trying to do our job."

Banker had crawled back across the floor and was hiding behind a half-carved turkey sittin' on the buffet table. They would have forgotten about him if he hadn't started feeling around for a drumstick and knocked over a gravy boat. When he flicked the gravy off his hand, it splashed in Sequet's eye.

"Stand up!" commanded Harvey, and Banker rose up behind the turkey. Three of the new team trained their guns on him. Sequet struted over to face Baker.

"You charlatan!" Harvey raised his hands then turned from Banker to the crowded room. In a stern voice he bellowed out. "Yahweh Banker is a fat pig, and anyone that follows him is a scab-covered asshole."

"Hey, wait a minute," rumbled the people that were still peeking in through the windows.

"I have more mystic powers in my thumb than you have in your entire body." Harvey thrust his hand high into the air to display his thumb, mysteriously covered by a real big rubber thumb. He quickly brought his hand down and then back up again. Hocus pocus, the big rubber thumb was gone, and he had a normal thumb.

Banker threw a towel over and empty bowl and chanted, "Shazam, amen." He pulled away the towel, and the bowl was full of chilly. He waved his hand over the bowl, and crackers began to fall out of his sleeve.

Sequet glowered at the bowl of chili and covered it with his towel. When he pulled it away, there was a small green puff of smoke and the bowl of chili mystifyingly turned into succotash.

"You call that a trick? That would not make a pimple on the ass of a real trick," boasted Banker.

"Oh Yeah!" said Sequet. "Pick a card, any card," he commanded while pushing a fanned deck at Banker.

"You idiot!" commented Banker. "Be still, and witness the true, pure power." He then jerked the tablecloth and all the buffet dishes smashed on the floor. A portrait of himself popped out of his sleeve and he placed it on the table. It showed Banker holding a fish on the end of a hook. He fluffed the tablecloth over the table and started talking in tongues. With all gibberish, it sounded like he was talking to a sprit with Alzheimer's. Banker pushed a button on the wall and a drumroll started. When he noticed that people were getting bored, he yelled, "Soup's on!" and flicked off the tablecloth. There on the table, surrounding his picture was a stack of Chicken of the Sea tuna cans and a few loaves of Wonder bread.

While Banker was trying to transform a vase of flowers to mayonnaise, several SWAT teams surrounded the building. There we was, the first cops had the drop on us, Sequet's followers had the drop on them, and the SWAT team had guns on everyone. Also in the mix were Banker's followers, moping around with nothing to do.

Sequet raised his gun as if he was going to shoot somebody, but Goldie checked his movement by kicking him in the nads. It was for his own good; the cops would a turned him into hamburger and he would a probably splattered on me. It made the cops all look sad like they missed a opportunity or somethin'. Sequet dropped his gun and Goldie kicked it away like a hot potada.

As the cops focused on the gun sliding across the floor, Sequet slipped a small silver stiletto from a sheath in his sock. It had the Lord's Prayer engraved on the blade and a red LED pulsed in its handle, signifying the sacred heart of Jesus. Sequet pulled back his lips and bared his teeth before lunging at Goldie.

I heard, "Not dis time!" come from my lips as I dived between the two of them. The knife sliced into my stomach and I started thinking I maybe should a waited.

Goldie picked up the same collection plate that Sequet tried to use on me and began to beat him over the head with it. With each blow he jerked and twisted the knife. It took three cops to pull her off Sequet, and three more to hold Sequet and me while trying to remove Sequet's fingers from the knife, or remove the knife from me. I don't know because I blacked out in the struggle.
Banker was only able to transform the flowers into mustard. He must a figured that was good enough, 'cause he started using it to make a tuna fish sandwich and then remembered to invite everyone else to dig in.

After the SWAT teams took everybody's weapons, they let a few people at a time go to get the never-ending sandwiches. Banker also conjured 7 Up bottles that stayed full on their own. He filled everyone's glasses, and then started filling a baptism tub. There was plenty of 7Up for all, and he finally turned off the whammy when people started slipping in puddles of the stuff.

Goldie road with me in the ambulance-at least I think I remember her sitting beside me rubbing my junk to keep me from passing out. It was two days later that I woke up, and I was slow to realize that my roommate was Harvey Sequet. They had a lot of nerve to put me in the same room with the guy who stabbed me. At least they had him chained up. I felt safer, but all the clinking made it hard to sleep.

The next morning, I awoke to loud whispers. Sitting next to Sequet's bed was Yahweh Banker. They were engrossed conversation and didn't seem to notice I was awake. Banker held a walking cane that was shaped like a shepherd's staff. It had a compartment for business cards attached just below the handle. Sequet blew his nose on a tissue and without looking tossed it in my direction. It landed about two inches away from my nose. I watched as the mucus seeped from the wad and quickly congealed on my pillow.

"Get these guys out a here!" I shouted while working the nurse call button over and over.
Sequet's eyes darted back and forth between me and Banker as two nurses came running into the room.

"Are you alright, Mr. Sphinctersnap?" the female nurse asked.

"Look at this!" I said, pointing at the gob of snot.

The female nurse scowled and the male nurse scratched his harry arms. "Mr. Sphinctersnap, there is a wastebasket right beside your bed. There is no reason to leave a soiled tissue on your pillow," the female nurse scorned.

"I didn't do it, sweetheart; it's ain't mine," I said. "One of them guys chucked it over here."

The female nurse flashed a cutting glance that sprung out like a snake. The male nurse clenched his fists and sidestepped toward Sequet and Banker . . . for some reason he blew me a kiss.

"Hey, I resent that accusation," said Banker. "I have no idea whose snot that is. It is probably his own. Also, he stabbed himself. I am a man of God, real estate, and truth," he said, looking off into space, "Mr. Sphinctersnap is the criminal, not I. If he only had God in his heart, things would be different . . . perhaps if he donated property to my flock."

Goldie stormed into the room and not too soon. Her jaws were pumpin' before she passed the door. She volleyed a rapid string of rank remarks that put poisonous barbs deep into the confidence of both Sequet and Banker. Her vicious verbal attack had 'em stunned. I put my hands behind my head and relaxed. She wouldn't run out of steam for a while, so I was getting ready to enjoy a class act. She rattled the chains that held Sequet to his bed and spit flew from her mouth when she barked at him. Banker coward toward the door an Goldie slammed it. Nobody was gettin' out.

When Banker held up his walking staff, it must have looked to Goldie like he was goin ta strike. Her manly hiking boot found firm purchase in his shorts. As Banker screeched in pain, people started to jam in the room. I started to appreciate beein' in a bed and not part of the big squeeze going on. Then someone pumped out a room clearer, probably from nervousness. It was the kind of gas that violates the laws of nature. It caused people's nose hair to burst into flame and their teeth to crumble. Goldie grabbed Banker's cane and before the nurses could figure what's up she wacked the stick across Harvey's thighs. "Ouch! That hurts. Why did you do that?" Sequet cried.
"Give me that stick!" command the head nurse. She reached out a muscular hand and took the time to make sure everyone scoped the caduceus tattooed on her forearm. The two double helix snakes were flecked with golden scales, and they waggled their tongues when she clenched her fist. Goldie handed her the walking stick with no complainin'.
The nurse's face bunched up somethin' awful and her eyes looked pissed. She took the stick and re-whacked Harvey across his thighs.

"Ouch! That hurts. Why did you do that?" Sequet cried.

"Give me that stick!" command the head nurse. She reached out a muscular hand and took the time to make sure everyone scoped the caduceus tattooed on her forearm. The two double helix snakes were flecked with golden scales, and they waggled their tongues when she clenched her fist. Goldie handed her the walking stick with no complainin'.

The nurse's face bunched up somethin' awful and her eyes looked pissed. She took the stick and re-whacked Harvey across his thighs.

"Ouch!" he screamed even louder, "Why are you people hitting me?"

"Who put this dirt bag it the same room with Mr. Sphinctersnap?" she bellowed.

Her crew shrugged their shoulders with blank faces. "It must have been the other shift," the bravest one said.

"And who do you think you are," the nurse said to Banker, ignorin' what her meager minion mentioned.

"Why, I am the religious leader, Yahweh Banker, sworn to protect souls in escrow," he said with his hands in the air as if they were some kind a psychic antennas.

The nurse pointed toward the door and hollered, "Out!"

Banker seemed to understand when a quick exit is the best way to go. Without a word, he walked to the door and turned before leaving, "If anyone needs an agent, there are business cards in the staff," he said, then trotted toward the elevator with his hands waving franticly in the air.

The medical minions placed more manacles on Sequet and wheeled him, bed and all, out the room. His drip tube got caught while goin' through the door and the needle in his arm got ripped out and stuck in the wall. Not noticing this fiasco, the team kept on pushing. The tube became taut, jerked the needle out of the wall and stuck in Sequet's shoulder. Shouts of, "Hey, what are you guys doing to me?" and "Where are you taking me?" faded as they pushed Harvey down the hall.

"Mr. Sphinctersnap," the head nurse said, "you need your rest," she looked at Goldie, "so, please reframe from causing him any excitement."

She left the room, carrying her new staff and leaving Goldie and me alone.

"I guess I ain't so tough," I said while looking at where the wall was missing plaster.

"What do you mean, Sphinctersnap, your real tough," said Goldie as she cradled my head against one of her big knockers.

"I wasn't always a P.I. ya know. I thought if I did something dangerous, I would get more courage. I started out as a Chiropodist, you know."

"Seems to me that would take a lot of courage."

"Ya, well I never got knifed doin' that; I got kicked a lot."

"That knife was meant for me and you stepped in front. You are my knight in shining armor, Sphinctersnap."

"What?" I said as a stiff nipple poke me in the eye.

"Enjoy it while you can, Miles, I think Banker is going to be coming back for us.
The End