Miles Sphinctersnap

By: G Wayne
Copyright © 9/7/11
With only two weeks of summer left, the weather finally started to act like it. At Nine A. M., the sun blazed down like a ray gun and the thermometer was already too hot to touch. I huffed up the stairs to my office and as I stopped to catch my breath. I wondered if there was anything left of my last deck a Luckies. My eyes felt like sandpaper and from your point of view, they looked as red as the taillights on a fifty-six Chevy whose exhaust smelled like roses compared to my breath.

I walked down the dingy hallway of the third-rate office building toward my sleazy office. It was the cheapest dump I could find to do business in a town so dilapidated; both sides were the wrong side of the tracks because somebody ripped 'um off. The light coming through the rippled-frosted glass in my office door, announcing that the business day had started without me. As I reached for the knob, the lettering on the glass seemed to laugh in my face and then spit in my eye: "M. Sphinctersnap Investigations, Private Detective".

I opened the door and walked into the scent of old paper and dust. Goldie, my secretary (and partner, but I'll never tell her that) took one look at me and strolled over to the coffee pot on legs so well shaped, they made most men week on theirs. She wore a crème colored blouse and a tailored jacket that were all business. Her tweed skirt offered a peek at those fine thighs while concealing the featherweight .38 Special she kept close to her ... heart.

"Have a rough night staking out a perp, Mr. Sphinctersnap?" she said with a husky voice that lashed out and nurtured at the same time.

"No, Sweet Stuff, just a hard night."

She gave me a quick onceover while filling my coffee cup, "Your fly's down."

I gave myself a surreptitious feel, "It's up," I grumbled.

"Well, pull it down and change out of those disgusting pants. You look like you slept in a trough."

"Do you think a change of clothes will help?"

She looked at me as if she were judging livestock, "No, but if you slap on some room deodorizer, you might not scare off our new client," then she pointed at a fresh outfit neatly stacked on a chair by my desk. I nodded submissively, and grabbed the pile of clothes.

Standing to the side, I opened the closet door and a bowling ball fell from the top shelf bouncing dimples into the hardwood floor while rolling to the other end of the room. I gave Goldie the stink eye and she returned it in spades.

"There was no one here to help me put that thing up. Maybe if you were here on time ... ," she said, wistfully gazing out the window.

There was a knock at the office door.